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God is the captain of this ship,
But the Devil steers her bow,
Because the crew are so damn sick,
They've all forgotten how.
In fair winds they rig no sail,
They run backwards in the squalls,
In everything they do they fail,
'Cause they lack the bloody balls
To stand up strong upon the deck,
And face the wailing wind,
And spit in Moby's eye by heck,
And set the sails a-swing
They don't know where the next port's at,
Nor how to rig the sail,
And all you'll ever hear is that,
Confounding morbid wail
Which helps to deaden southern winds,
And to rattle ghostly chains,
While with their tears they wash the decks,
And compare their horrid pains.
They don't look forward it's always aft,
As backwards sails the ship,
Which is a forward going craft,
That can sail at quite a clip
A government sub beside them rose,
"Hey! Who the hell are you?"
And when they waved it quickly dove,
And screamed out, "Bugger you."
The torpedo missed but it was close,
But it brightened up the crew,
That like a giant wave all rose,
To get a better view.
Then suddenly the sails went up,
The wind blew across the bow,
Old Nick he lost his evil grip,
And fell overboard somehow
With this Apache sheila at the wheel,
The sails they caught the breeze,
"So what?" said I, "'taint no big deal."
Then, "Ruby!!! Oh No! Please."
They fished me out just in time,
And shoved me in the hold,
With my mate Poppa lookin' fine,
But like me so bloody old.
With Admiral Woodfolk by the mast,
(It helped to hold him up),
The ship was running swells so fast,
She'd beat a swimming duck.
Tone stood on the heaving deck,
His pockets filled with crackers,
And every time it dipped to port,
The Sharks snapped at his knackers.
They always missed of course they did,
'Cause Steve was there to save him,
Drove his Harley down their throats,
'Cause he had nothing else to bathe in,
Well I tell you what this stupid ship,
Better soon the be landin',
'Cause I am running out of lib,
And simple understandin'.
Well soon 'twas that an isle was seen,
Reb steered us near the shore,
There was a forest deep and green,
With trail bike tracks galore,
Admiral Woodfork shouted out,
"I thought I saw me Mum",
But Woody knew not much about,
A good old Aussie gum,
Or was it a palm that waved to us,
Beyond the rolling surf,
It sure was kicking up a fuss,
I think it was a smerf!
Somebody slammed the hold door shut,
Upon my bloody head,
Then laced a ten across my butt,
"Oh, go on back to bed!"
Along the beach...was it a horse?
With a fairy queen astride,
Galloping down the sandy course,
Oh wow how she could ride!
"I can't endorse that that's a horse."
Frowned Faye from fairly near,
"It's got a swordfish through its head,
Which I think is somewhat queer."
"But it's got four legs a flowing mane,
And an arching tail and neck,
It looks like 'er, a what's its name,
A giant goat's ... what I suspect."
So bedazzled by all this stuff,
The good ship ran aground,
And out there coming round the bluff,
Was a gover mental sound.
It was a ship of window frames,
With documents piled high,
Rejecting our disability claims,
For which we had to die.
Then on the beach from the trees,
A thousand fairies came,
To shove us of into the breeze,
That we were afloat again
The fairy goddess on her goat,
I mean... her prancing steed,
That had a horn stuck through its throat,
(perhaps a special breed),
Leapt on the ship as she did sail,
Into the boiling surf,
For now she surely couldn't fail,
To float around the Earth.
Steve had washed his pig enough,
To make its chrome pipes gleam,
But he was finding it was tough,
So Ruby intervened.
They yanked and kicked it, bit and yelled,
But the shark it wouldn't let go,
till by mistake it was shelled,
When the gover ment had a go.
'Twas a normal shot, they always missed,
They usually forgot to aim,
And mostly all the clerks were pissed,
Or putting in a claim.
The shark took off; Steve roared away,
Down the swaying deck,
And there he had a lot to say,
But oh well, what the heck.
Said Admiral Woodfork to the crew,
"Run up the skull and bones."
Poor old Poppa had had a few,
So he called on Aussie Jones.
"Climb up the mast up to the crow,
And stand there in plain view,
Though it might take a week you know,
This is what you must do."
"Stand up there and hold the flag,
That it flows so proudly high,
And if your legs begin to sag,
With it you must die."
Then up stepped Tone from Potters,
Another fly-drome it was true,
"I will when he totters,
Take the flag when it is due."
"For how can man die better,
Than from exhaustion holding flags,
As a high up master sitter,
When Jonsies aging muscles sag.
For my fathers were all flaggers,
They loved their plonk in jars,
And who from flaggers staggers,
Wear medals with their bars."
Then out spake Piddi Patter,
Mountain snow ran through his blood,
You could hear his teeth a chatter,
When he said he understood.
"For I will take the crows nest,
If poor Tone of Potters falls,
For I have courage to invest,
And a pair of frozen......"
But you are here as master,
Of this bloody ship,
For none can drive her faster,
Though 'tis the wind that's driving it."
"Hey who's that drongo on the mast,
With that piece of scruffy rag,
How long do you think the fool will last,
He already looks a dag."
"Out Texas way we breed em tough,
But we don't breed bluddy fools,"
"Now Eileen dear, that's enough,
Keep loadin' up those spools."
"But look at 'im man that's some jerk,
Must be an Aussie bloke,
No one else would do such work,
Hell, what a bloody joke!"
The ship sailed on and while they slept,
Jonesie fell from the bloody mast,
As he lay ass up; up Tone crept.
"Ah my turn has come at last."
"Oh look," said Eileen, "look at that,
Shining like two moons,
On the deck there by the mast,
Or are they just balloons.
I saw one float down from above,
Though it made a funny sound,
And look the other like a dove,
Is to the crows nest bound."
Admiral Woodfork still propped up,
And sleeping at his post,
Opened up his radar eyes,
As if he'd seen a ghost!
"Good Lord!" he cried, "Good Lord, Good Lord!
I think I've seen a Ghost,
I opened up my radar eyes,
And... Hey look, I see a coast!"
We sailed on in to a blue lagoon,
Though some thought it was green,
It wasn't green it was blue you goon,
No it wasn't it was green!!
Whatever the colour of the blue lagoon,
Where the sea all looked so green,
It was a beautiful place and made us swoon,
'Cause it was a swoon type swoony place.
But then in the distance the drums were heard,
Nearby they were heard as well,
But that was the hearts of this courageous crew,
Who had faced a life of hell.
"Send Poppa in to track the swine,"
Said Woodfork from behind the mast.
"Just keep away from this pig of mine,"
Said Steve, "or you will not last."
"Maybe that's the way to check things out,
Send Steve on the pig to hunt."
Said Tone, "He'd make the perfect scout
He was the man to send up front."
They heard Tone's voice but where was he,
His voice seemed far away.
"I'm up here in the old crows nest,
If you look up you will see."
"Oh there you are you have grown so tall,
That we can only see your feet,"
Said Admiral Woodfork, "Ok all,
Let us all but Steve retreat."
Steve kicked the gleaming pig to life,
It trembled between his thighs,
Down the forest trail his sickle roared,
As he blasted out of sight,
Well one thing's for sure he won't get bored,
'Cause this hog he rides don't bite.
Skidding round a bend with his boot pushed out,
He spun to avoid a log,
And found himself with a lively shout,
Ass up in a putrid bog.
The shadows closed in as he tried to save,
The disappearing chrome and steel,
But though his efforts were so brave,
The old bog enjoyed it's meal.
A man approached with his tongue stuck out,
So we stuck ours out as well.
"Cheeky buggers what do you think you're about,
You look like a bunch of rats from hell.
If that's your ship so new and clear,
Then it's banned from our Lagoon."
"Crewed by a bunch of yanks I see ,
For whom we ain't got room."
"Well I'm not a yank I'm from Texas pard,
And our missiles are all up front."
"If you cant tell that, you ain't looking as hard,
As a good old southern grunt.
So listen friend go take a hike,
'Cause we're here to meet our friend,
International soldier Kiwi Mike,
Who we think is round the bend."
"Well you're out of luck cause he ain't here,
He went looking for a better place,
Sometimes he likes to disappear,
'Cause he has a lot to face."
"The gover ment ships will soon be here,
With a heap of forms for you,
For you lot cost us more each year,
Than a can of sausage stew."
It was right then that a horny horse,
Ridden by a fairy queen,
Leapt from the ship to follow the course,
Where Steve on his hog had been.
"We're coming Steve to help you out,
I'm riding my unicorn,
It's more comfortable than a hog lost in a bog,
Though it might seem a bit extreme."
But Steve had dug into the bog,
To dig his sickle out,
No bloody swamp would ever win
a race to steal his hog,
Soon enough as the morning sun,
Rose up all dressed in black,
The Unicorn got there on the run,
'Cause great speed it did not lack.
Into the glade of sun and shade,
Rode the fairy queen
Where upon the Unicorn,
Its pearly wings received.
The lightning flashed, the sun went out,
There was darkness all around,
And in that darkness all about
There was not the faintest sound.
Then suddenly though stained with mud,
A hog burst from the trees,
Its chrome wheels spinning as they should,
When the throttle is gently squeezed.
"I'm here, I'm here, my dear, my dear,
You arrived here just in time,
'Cause all these funny birds are here,
Wading through the slime!"
"Birds! What birds? I see no birds,
Oh! Those funny little things!
They look like govern mental nerds,
And since they don't have wings,"
"I'm off to gallop through the sky,
On Pegasus my steed,
Back to the green of the blue Lagoon,
'Cause the ships moving now at speed."
"Wait for me." came the faint reply,
As the Unicorn hit the trail,
Picked itself up and into the sky ,
Took off with a spinning tail.
The hog it gave a little grunt,
Bye, bye you stupid birds,
And swerving to avoid a smoking stump,
It outran the perusing nerds.
Eileen launched a life boat then,
With a fishing trip in mind,
But when she saw ol' Steve arrive,
Her idea took a dive.
She swam back to the heaving ship,
Which had stopped though in full sail,
The anchor chain snapped like a whip,
And all the crew went pale
She shot like an Arrow out to sea,
And headed round the bluff,
From where our Steven flying free,
Yelled, "Hell, I've had enough."
He landed safely on the boat,
Where Pegasus landed too,
Eileen hanging off the stern,
With an even sterner view.
Christina helped hold the Admiral up,
Who'd fallen for the mast,
And calmly sipped from a steaming cup
When another torpedo passed.
She got hot water for her brew,
From the hog's steaming pipes,
The salty taste was nothing new,
Nor were Steven's gripes
Days passed and turned to weeks,
And weeks turned into months,
And the heaving deck sprung many leeks,
Which fed them more than once.
It was good humour, friendship too,
That kept them all alive
A multi international crew,
But they would all survive.
'Twas when all eyes were on the horse,
The Unicorns white hide,
That the good ship suddenly altered course,
But then the strong wind it just died.
I ain't never going to give him up!
Screamed the Queen of Fairies then,
So they turned their hungry eyes elsewhere!
The sweet fairies numbered ten.
Oh don't eat us the Fairies cried,
We are flimsy things with wings,
That have not got the strength to fly,
And our bodies are such little things.
Granny Grit with her lines still out,
Had failed to catch a fish,
She looked at the fairies with a shout,
"But you'd make us a dainty dish!"
The fairies fled to the lower deck,
Where Poppa was counting sheep,
"Oh, please Oh please protect us please."
And the pleas were ten folk deep.
Poppa awoke with shocked alarm,
Shut and locked the hold,
Don't worry fairies they can't do you harm,
But his hungry eyes were cold.
"Welcome to my little trap,
Er, I mean to this deck 'ere down below,
In here you can have a little nap,
And have SWEET dreams you know."
Then Tone still clinging to the mast,
With the scull and bones held high,
"Hey ahoy ... land at last,
'Tis land that I do spy!"
They all ran across to the starboard side,
And the ship began to tip,
The Admiral still to the old mast tied,
Yelled get back from the rail a bit.
So they ran across to the port,
Then of course ran back again,
The ship was like a rocking horse,
With the sea wash for a mane.
She stabilized when she hit the beach,
And sand flew everywhere,
Not a grain of brain was possessed by each,
So they didn't have much to share.
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